Making friends is generally easier for children than for adults.
Don’t get me wrong, social contact can be stressful for children too. They often have reservations about strangers that make them hesitant to interact with other children. They lack the social grace and emotional development to handle conflict, and have no control about planning their social lives beyond the environment into which their parents introduce them. Being a child has its limitations.
But in spite of those limitations children seem to have a natural instinct for bonding. I have often seen my own pre-school children enter a public park, approach other children, and immediately fall into a playful friendship. By the end of the day they will know the other children’s’ names and have common experiences that they will remember throughout their childhood.
How is it that the process of meeting new friends is so challenging when we enter adulthood? Do we lose something in the process of growing older? Or are there environmental factors that impede with our ability to meet new people and develop meaningful relationships?
Obviously time and social norms present complications. Grown ups are busy. And we don’t just fall into fall into play with the people we meet at work or the grocery store. However, I think we can overcome the difficulties presented by adulthood if we take some lessons from the way children approach friendship.
Here are a few lessons kids can teach us grown-ups about how to make friends.
- Have fun – Kids have one thing in common. They are all just looking for something fun to do. They are able to put their personality differences aside and bond around the common goal of having a good time. As adults, we tend to take life more seriously, and personality differences become a huge gap that eliminates opportunities for casual friendships with others. We need to be less picky about whom we interact with and learn to just chat and have fun with those around us at work, in line at the grocery store, or at the local cafe. If we learn to have fun casually, friendships will develop everywhere.
- Share toys – Give a group of children some water guns or a ball to kick and they will be playing together in no time. Toys offer something fun to bond around. This technique can work for grown-ups also. The next time you go to a gathering full of strangers, pull out a deck of cards, a karaoke machine, or a box of Lego blocks, and I can guarantee you won’ be playing alone for long. Toys take the pressure off conversation and immediately promote a playful and fun atmosphere.
- Be curious – Kids ask questions. Sometimes rather embarrassing questions. But they really want to learn things about the people around them. As adults we tend to get wrapped up in our own lives and wander around each other without really interacting. Make an effort to pay attention to the people around you and to honestly become interested in their lives. Stop and ask a coworker how their family is doing, or about their hobbies and interests; they’ll likely respond with a grateful smile and a long conversation.
- Let things go – Children can fight over something and be best friends a minute later. They are willing to put their grudges aside. As adults we tend to hold onto grudges longer; we disagree with each other’s political views, religious preferences, odious habits, and everything else imaginable. We believe that we’ve earned the right to do so because we put so much work into forming our opinions. But if we want to make friends, we need to put these differences aside and instead focus on what fun we can create in spite of those differences. As adults we burn a lot of bridges; children are too busy having a good time building bridges. Learn to leave grudges in the past.
